There are guitarists, there are bloody good guitarists, and then there’s John 5. A bloke who clearly missed the lesson at school where they explained that human beings are only supposed to have ten fingers, and that guitars are generally designed to be played at speeds considerably slower than a Formula 1 car.
If you’ve ever seen John 5 play, you’ll know exactly what I’m banging on about. If you haven’t, then imagine Eddie Van Halen, a banjo-playing hillbilly, a deranged circus performer and the Addams Family’s weirdest relative all getting together to produce a guitarist. Then give him a Telecaster and stand well back.
Now, I’ve been fortunate enough to see some ridiculously talented guitarists over the years, but this fella really does take the biscuit. In fact, he takes the entire biscuit tin, eats the contents, then plays the bloody tin at 200 notes per second just to prove he can.
Saturday night saw the former Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie guitarist, and current Mötley Crüe six-string assassin, roll into Glasgow’s Slay. Not exactly the sort of venue you’d normally associate with someone accustomed to playing enormous arenas, but personally, I’d much rather watch a guitarist of this calibre up close than through a pair of binoculars from somewhere near the back of the OVO Hydro.
And let’s be honest, watching John 5’s fingers from fifty feet away is difficult enough. From the back of an arena, you’d probably need NASA’s finest equipment to work out what the hell was going on.
For anyone unfamiliar with the man, John 5 looks like someone who’s escaped from a particularly disturbing horror film. Pale complexion, long hair, a slightly sinister appearance and the sort of grin that suggests he’s either about to play something extraordinary or bury somebody in the garden.
Possibly both.
But don’t let the appearance fool you. Beneath that wonderfully weird exterior is one of the finest guitarists you’ll ever have the pleasure of watching.
But first, the bill also featured The Fear and the larger-than-life Dan Byrne.
I arrived a bit later and I certainly got the fear when I heard that The Fear had gone on early. To be honest, they didn’t really stand out for me. Their sound was generic alt-rock/nu-metal, a bit like elevator music. You know it’s there, but you don’t really recognise it.
They did try, so 10/10 for effort, but it didn’t really do it for me.
Dan Byrne was a slightly different story, as the boy can really sing, and his band were very good, with bassist Adji Shuib really standing out.
I got the feeling that there were a lot of people there just for Dan Byrne, especially my friends Brian and Gail, who briefed me fully before he came on, and the crowd weren’t disappointed.
Now, instrumental guitar gigs can sometimes be a bit of a challenge. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good guitar solo as much as the next rocker, but eighty minutes of someone staring at their shoes while demonstrating every scale invented since 1842 isn’t necessarily my idea of a cracking Saturday night.
Thankfully, John 5 doesn’t do boring.
One minute he’s hammering out riffs heavy enough to knock the fillings out of your teeth, the next he’s picking away at something that sounds like it belongs in a Tennessee barn dance. Just as you’re getting your head around that, he’s off into another musical direction altogether, leaving you wondering whether you’ve accidentally changed gigs without leaving the building.
Metal? Absolutely. Country? You bet. Bluegrass? Why the hell not?
Enough fretboard wizardry to make your average guitarist consider flogging their equipment on eBay and taking up knitting? Most definitely.
And that’s what makes John 5 so entertaining. He’s not simply a shredder who can play a million notes a second. There’s genuine musicality behind the madness, and more importantly, there’s a sense of humour about the whole thing.
His beloved Telecasters are another source of amusement. Traditionally associated with country music, they’re not exactly the first instruments that spring to mind when you’re thinking about face-melting heavy metal. But stick one in John 5’s hands and suddenly it sounds like Satan himself has plugged into the National Grid.
I’m convinced the guitars must have some sort of reinforced construction. Ordinary instruments simply shouldn’t be subjected to this level of abuse without filing a complaint with their trade union.
And those fingers! Christ almighty, I’ve seen people type slower when their house is on fire.
There are moments watching a guitarist like John 5 when you genuinely wonder whether you’re witnessing musical genius or some sort of elaborate magic trick. The speed is ridiculous, the precision is frightening and the ease with which he moves between styles is enough to make you question everything you thought you knew about playing guitar.
I reckon if you handed him a garden rake, he’d have it tuned up and knocking out a flawless rendition of something by Steve Vai before you’d even found the extension lead.
What makes it all the more impressive is that he doesn’t need a singer prancing around in front of him, somebody shouting ‘GLASGOW!’ every thirty seconds or an enormous stage production to keep things interesting.
The guitar does all the talking, and boy, does it have plenty to say.
Of course, his recent association with Mötley Crüe has introduced John 5 to an entirely different audience. Stepping into Mick Mars’ shoes was never going to be an easy task, particularly when you’re joining one of rock’s most notorious travelling circuses. But anyone who thinks he’s simply the bloke playing guitar for Vince Neil and company is missing an enormous part of the picture.
John 5 was a phenomenal musician long before he joined the Crüe, and his solo work demonstrates just how ridiculously versatile he really is.
There aren’t many guitarists who can move effortlessly between industrial metal, country picking, bluegrass and full-on shredding without making the whole thing sound like somebody’s Spotify playlist has suffered a nervous breakdown. John 5 can, and he makes it look annoyingly easy.
That’s probably the most irritating part of the whole evening. The rest of us struggle to assemble a piece of IKEA furniture without losing our temper, while this bloke can seemingly perform the musical equivalent of open-heart surgery using nothing more than a guitar pick and a slightly worrying facial expression.
Some people are just greedy when it comes to talent.
What I particularly like about John 5 is that there’s none of that painfully serious guitar-hero nonsense. You know the type. Standing motionless, eyes closed, looking as though they’re receiving messages from a higher power while playing a seventeen-minute solo that only three people in the audience actually understand.
There’s a mischievous quality to John 5. He’s clearly having the time of his life, and that enthusiasm is infectious.
And in a smaller venue like Slay, that’s exactly what you want. No massive video screens, no ridiculous distances between the artist and the audience, just the opportunity to appreciate an extraordinary musician doing what he does best.
By the time the evening draws to a close, there’s only one sensible conclusion: John 5 is an absolute freak, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
He’s the sort of musician who makes you want to go home, pick up a guitar and have another go. Then, approximately forty-five seconds later, put it back in its case, pour yourself a large whisky and accept that some things in life are best left to the professionals.
If you’re expecting singalong choruses, crowd-surfing lunatics and somebody smashing beer cans against their forehead, you’re probably at the wrong gig. Although, to be fair, after watching John 5 for an evening, smashing a beer can against your head might seem like a perfectly reasonable response.
What you get instead is a masterclass in guitar playing from a man who appears to have forgotten that the instrument is supposed to have limitations.
An extraordinary musician, a wonderfully eccentric character and living proof that you don’t need a vocalist to put on a cracking rock show.
John 5 doesn’t just play the guitar, he absolutely takes the piss out of it.
And somewhere tonight, thousands of perfectly decent guitarists will be looking at their instruments and thinking exactly the same thing.
BASTARD!!!!!!!
John 5: official | facebook | instagram | spotify | youtube
Dan Byrne: official | facebook | instagram | official links
The Fear: official | facebook | instagram
